I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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