When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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