Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ambien. No doubt about it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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