I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
