My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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