Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
