I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
