Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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