If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
