I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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