pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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