dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
