I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
