I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
