In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
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I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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