His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
