I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
as a side note pls kill me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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