And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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