that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
