to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
