This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
