I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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