My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
