Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I intend to get homeless drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
