Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
