My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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