there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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