It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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