So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
