I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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