Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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