So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
