she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I supernannyed him into submission
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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