So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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