The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The convent might be a nice break from real life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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