It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
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He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
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At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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