I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
