My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)