Little spoons don't ask big questions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica