well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
