it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
