My hand turned me down
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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