I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
