Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
