Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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