I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
