The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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