I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
