Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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