she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
