I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize