I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
