What did we do last night that was yellow?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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