I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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