***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
