Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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