There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
